


every breath you take

by adspexi



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, NSA Agent AU, Sort Of, Victor Hugo Pastiche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 22:42:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13557138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adspexi/pseuds/adspexi
Summary: "Surely you have seen his twitter feed! He takes a picture every time he passes a bakery; he wantonly abuses the prayer-hands emoji as if a man such as he could ever serve the Lord;he is following the official NSA account!"In which Jean Valjean is an unrepentant Twitter activist, Javert is the NSA agent determined to take him down, and Monsieur Madeleine is resolutely unamused.





	every breath you take

“Monsieur Madeleine,” Javert said, “why do you refuse to grant me a warrant to arrest this— this miscreant?”  
The man didn’t even look up from his paperwork. “Has he committed an actual crime since last we spoke, Javert?”  
“No, Monsieur, but surely you have seen his twitter feed! He takes a picture every time he passes a bakery; he wantonly abuses the prayer-hands emoji as if a man such as he could ever serve the Lord; _he is following the official NSA account._ There must come a point at which justice is better served by bringing the man in than inflicting him upon the impressionable souls of the internet.”  
“If my memory serves, in this country, one is innocent until proven guilty.”  
“But Monsieur, are we not the NSA?”  
“And am I not your supervisor?” It was said in a mild tone, but the rebuke was plain.  
“Indeed, Monsieur. But—”  
Madeleine laid his forms aside. “I am telling you now, Javert, that your current cause-célèbre has done no more than any other activist whom this agency surveils. That is a great many people. Some of them arouse public discontent; some of them pick useless fights with the Moon Pies account; some of them ought, perhaps, to keep their kinks somewhat more discreet. Yet what unites them all, and what your man shares in common with them, is that none of them have, as of yet, actually surpassed the bounds of civil conduct.”  
“But what of civil discourse?”  
“Javert, I would like nothing in the world more than to never hear the word ‘discourse’ again.”  
“I as well, Monsieur.” If nothing else, Javert’s quarry had never yet used the term. It was a rare— perhaps the only— point in the man’s favor. “However, there are other concerns to be raised: public decency, for one; or the corruption of youth.”  
“And you may take them up with their management. It may be that Twitter is beyond redemption; it may be that our duty will only end when it is purged from the earth; yet it is still our duty to use it, imperfect as the medium may be, to further this agency’s ends. You may return to your post, Javert.”  
“Thank you, Monsieur.”

* * *

  
As he returned to his desk, Javert felt his phone buzz. There could only be one person who had caused it; he followed only one user, and still he felt his blood boil with anticipation. He punched in his passcode with fingers clumsy with rage.

(1 notification)

**my name is john johnson I come from the bagne** @johnthejack  
me: *posts one bread meme*  
the NSA agent monitoring me: As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life.

It must be coincidence. There was no way Valjean could possibly have known of Javert’s assiduous surveillance. That fact, however, did not lessen in any way Javert’s desire to rush back into Madeleine’s office and shove the Tweet in his face.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even go here, y'all.  
> Inspired, obviously, by the NSA Agent fic ideas posts that have been swirling around tumblr. Title is from the "The Police" song of the same name. Valjean's tweet includes a snippet of the famous Navy Seal copypasta.


End file.
